Miles Jupp, and the comically terrifying reality of kids

"If just one of the people that lives in your house is a baby you instantly, you just lose all sense, immediately, of what is and is not appropriate behaviour. I remember when my oldest child was only three days old, bumping into my bleary-eyed wife on the landing and she said, 'I've just had a bowl of Corn Flakes on the lavatory.' Just from nowhere. Within a matter of days we'd been reduced to the state, if not of animals, then undergraduates."
- Miles Jupp, Live at the Apollo

I'm excited about out little one's arrival in January [if the guy/girl comes as per schedule]. I wasn't even scared about the three things my friends warned me about. Well, I thought I wasn't scared until until I watched a hilarious terrifying stand-up routine by dad-of-four, Miles Jupp.

"Run out there to find they got hold of a loo brush and find they're just rubbing it against the wall."

Life if going to fundamentally change, he reckons.

"It's terrifying. It doesn't matter how you've lived your life up to that point, how tidy you've tried to be, how sophisticated. Suddenly if you've got one of those in the house that's it, it's all gone. The place is suddenly awash with mystery fluid. So much fecal matter is suddenly dotted and strewn around where you live. You become numb to the stuff; just horrifyingly blase. You stand there looking at something that's been done on your own bed and you think, 'Well, we don't need to change the sheets for that. It's just a small turd, isn't it. It's hardly worth wasting a flush. I'll put it in the wastepaper basket, put a crisps packet over it'."

And then it gets scarier, when even your interruptions get interrupted.

"You're desperately trying to clean all the milk off the floor after breakfast, so all the food that hits it at lunchtime doesn't splash, and then someone opens the freezer and gets a bag of peas and starts spilling them all over the floor and you're desperately trying to sweep all of them up and then someone ominously shouts 'I'm painting!' from the hallway. Run out there to find they got hold of a loo brush and find they're just rubbing it against the wall.
It a quarter to six in the morning!"

So, yeah, this journey is going to be fun.