The Log Blog [or "Gather around, children, we're talking about poo today"] [or "Poo tips for new dads"]

Heads up! This post contains lots of talk about poo. There are tips on dealing with poo. There might even been some dancing poo. And some neon poo. Basically, it's all the poo all the time. And if you're a new parent -- and especially a first-time parent -- you're going to want to read it.

I picked Alice up out of the shopping trolley and immediately knew what I was dealing with. Was it the sticky, damp patch on her pink leggings? Yes. Was it the smell? Yes. Was it the smug, knowing look on her face? Yes. It was all of these things. And they are things that trigger every parent to know in a split second what has just happened.

Poo. Crap. Turd. Log. Scat. Doodie. Dung. Feces. Droppings. Poop. Shit.

Hi, I'm poo. You'll be seeing a lot of me.

In the last 6-and-a-bit months, I've become obsessed with Alice's poo. I know hope it's normal [oh, hell, please tell me it's normal...]. I'm not one of that dads who shies away from nappies -- look, don't get me wrong, I certainly don't take pleasure in changing my daughter's smelly butt, but I do it -- so I'm a frequent viewer of her frequent releases. Yes, "releases", let's go with that.

I've seen the thick, almost tar-like meconium that comes out in the first few days [it's that gross stuff that looks like licorice...if licorice was made by Donald Trump, the most famous of all the Oompa Loompas]. I've seen the pooxplosion [more on that now-now] and I've even done the count-how-many-she-does-in-a-day-to-make-sure-the-digestive-system-is-functioning-well thing. I've even had pictures of her crappola sent to me...you know...because...actually, I have no idea why that happened.

If you're a new parent, poo is going to become an obsession. Here are some things you should know, especially if you're a new dad:

• It's gross. Deal with it.

Guys, it's poo. It's not fun. It's all the things your baby's eaten, in digested form, coming out of its butt. Don't expect it to be anything other than gross. Suck it up [not the poo, don't do that!] and get on with it. Don't expect your partner to do all the nappy changes. Clean your child's butt. Because, hey, if you get old enough they might be returning the favour one day.

• Pooxplosions are real

I remember Alice's first pooxplosion well. I even took a photo of it. No, I'm not sharing that photo...until she disobeys me as a teen, and then I'll tag her it [and then #tbt that post over and over and over again]. She was weeks old, and I knew it was a big one because I picked her up and her weight had seemingly doubled. Also, her white babygrow was no longer white. It took 11 wet wipes to sort it out. It's still a Savides family record. Should've used a high pressure hose, to be honest. Alas.

Brace yourselves, good people, this is your life now. It's going to happen, and you'll need to get your head around it. We were lucky that it happened at home and not out in public. You might not be so lucky.

• It gets everywhere

You'll be surprised at how baby poo spreads. A friend of mine talks about how he got some in his pants pocket and his wallet because of a rather big poo his son did. He was holding the kid in his arms when the pooxplosion hit, and it ran down his body and into the aforementioned pocket. Poo. Gets. Everywhere.

• It changes colour...and gets smellier

And, yes, you will notice the changes. When Alice started solid foods [more on that in another post at some point], her poo started getting significantly different. It got more orange tinted, thanks to the butternut and carrot she was eating. It got mushier [yes, you'll notice texture changes, too]. And when she eats squashed banana...yeuch. It's not fun. I'm legit dreading when she starts eating meat.

• Keep a log log

Find one of those sleep, eat, poo tracker apps [Megan used Glow Baby and Glow Nurture, and they seemed great]. It'll just help you to keep tabs on how many times your baby has a dump. It's not 100% essential to know this, but for peace of mind it is nice. Being a first-time parent is difficult and you really want to know if your baby is being "normal", and apps like this allow you to keep a record that proves the normal-ness [and also means that you can pick up unusual things early].