The working dad [and how to deal with being away from your child] #Dadvice

I loved traveling. Work, pleasure, solo, with family, it didn’t matter. I’ve stayed in shitty B&B’s in the middle of nowhere, camped in absolute luxury in a tent in the middle of the Serengeti as lions roared nearby, watched an elephant mission around in Botswana while I waded in a swimming pool meters away (this while Megan was eight months pregnant!), covered the aftermath of an earthquake in Nepal, cruised on a yacht off the coast of Turkey with family, visited my sister in London, done Frankfurt and Munich with my mom, and seen the must-sees of Rome and Paris with Megan on honeymoon. And I loved every minute of all of them.

“Loved”. That’s the key word. About seven months ago, that love affair came to an end. It’s not quite hate, but it’s not terribly far away.

What happened? Alice happened.

The little girl who changed everything.

You read a lot about working moms, but the phrase “working dad” isn’t as common. And I get that, I really do, especially given how fundamental moms are in those initial months, particularly if breastfeeding. I get that there’s a much bigger separation anxiety that comes with moms because of how long they stay with the baby in those first few months. Historically, moms have more time with baby early on because of maternity leave; while dads tend to go back to work within days (I was at work the day after Alice was born, and took a week off once Megan was back at home [and I got just three days’ paternity leave, which is more than many dads get]). So, yeah, I get it: It is much more difficult for moms.

But, man…being a working dad is hard. Especially if you're a working dad who travels.

Here’s a quick example, just from this week. For the first time, Alice has started waving back when you wave at her. I missed that. She’s started pulling herself up on things. I missed that. She’s eaten two new foods, including mac and cheese as her first “proper” - for want of a better word - solid food. I missed that. She’s really, really close to crawling for the first time. There’s a decent chance I might miss that before I get home.

And I was only away for four days.

Yeah, I'll get to see those things in time. But I won't get to see them for the first time. I've missed the first time.

I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for dads who travel for weeks or months at a time, or for dads who - because of various reasons, from historical, political, financial, etc - live in other cities. It must be nightmarish.

But you learn to cope. You do. You learn tactics and tips to help you deal with how difficult it is. I’ve learnt a few and find that they help - not just when I’m out of town but also when my ordinary day (I work a super demanding job as a journalist) takes hold. These might even helps moms battling with separation anxiety. Anyway… they help me.

1. Do what you can with the time you have

Get involved, basically. Change those nappies, pick the outfits, do the drop-offs and pick-ups, cuddle baby to sleep, wake up in the night for the feeds (unless you’re exclusively breastfeeding, then it’s probably not a good idea for you to do that). Play with the kid when they want to play. Dance with them at a wedding. There will be times when you won’t be able to do it, so do it when you can.

Hitting the dance floor with our little girl.

2. Receive all the pictures

Alice goes to a school where her teacher happens to be her aunt (here's how we coped with the first day of school). Pretty much every day our family WhatsApp group beeps with images of Alice. Sometimes it’s just pics of her sleeping, this week it was one of her pulling herself up and another of her eating Flings. I can’t explain the difference that makes; just to know that she’s good, that she’s loving her day, that she’s trying new things...it’s wonderful. When I travel for nights at a time, Megan sends me pics or videos of Alice. Just seeing her helps that little bit and makes that distance and time apart seem a little less far away and a little less into the future. Trust me, receive all the pics you can.

3. Video chat is your friend

On at least one of the nights when I’m away, I make sure that I FaceTime with Megan and Alice. Truth be told, Ali has no idea what’s going on… but the first time we did it, she recognised my voice and looked for me - it was a special feeling that I can’t even begin to describe (so did my dogs, and they barked like mad, but let’s focus on Alice). Do it. Video chat is your friend. Much like the pics, it makes a huge difference, and as your child gets older they will learn to interact more. I cannot wait for that.

I think she smiled at me... Or not. Whatever. I'm claiming it.

4. Use your time away to recover

July 2017 will go down as a difficult month in the Savides home. Alice had two bouts of a throat infection, did a measles vaccine booster and then her full MMR vaccine, went through a bout of not sleeping really well (another blog coming up on this topic shortly). For nearly a week, I never got more than 3 hours sleep in a night. My back ached, head hurt and I was grumpy AF. But these last three nights in Joburg have been bliss. I slept well and feel refreshed and ready to get involved [see tip 1] and pick up my share (and even some of Megan’s) of the work.

5. Chat to other dads

I got to spent a large chunk of one of the evenings this week speaking to a colleague over dinner. He’s got a two-year-old, and another one on the way. We were talking about the challenges he and his wife have faced, about some of the things that he’s learnt, about parenting styles, about how tough it was to spend several nights at a time away, about how badly we wanted to get home. We showed each other photos of our little girls. We bonded over two children who live hundreds of kilometers apart. It made me feel that I wasn’t alone in all of this, that I wasn’t just over-reacting, and that my emotions weren’t just in overdrive. I felt normal. Have conversations with other dads; you’ll be amazed at how much it helps.

Do you have any tips that work for you? I'd love to hear from you! Comment below, or head over to The Good, The Bad and The Daddy on Facebook.