“Where’s Megan?” the person asked me, as Alice sat on my lap at a restaurant.
“She’s at home with a tummy bug. I got Alice out of the house for a while so that she doesn’t catch it and so Meg can rest,” I replied.
“So you’re babysitting,” the person said with a chuckle.
I smiled, awkwardly. The conversation ended.
Thankfully, it’s only been twice that this has happened to me. The other time was similar. I told someone that I was looking after Alice for the night because Megan was going out, and they used the b-word to describe it. This time, I told the person I was not babysitting; I was being a dad.
I really do hate the b-word. But perhaps not for the reason you think. Yes, it’s annoying that it’s demeaning towards fathers who are actively involved in their children’s lives. It’s an assumption that they’re “second-rate fill-ins” (to quote Scary Mommy). But that’s not my gripe; my real concern is how demeaning it is for the child’s mom.
Firstly, it implies that dads only have to be responsible for their children when mom’s away or busy or unavailable. Think I’m being over-dramatic? Let’s look at the definition of “babysit”:
How can we POSSIBLY be using this word to describe 50% of the child’s parents??? If a dad is “babysitting”, that means he only has to take care of the child “temporarily”. That’s not me saying it… that’s the VERY DEFINITION. When mom returns then the child is her responsibility again - because, you know, dad was just babysitting.
Secondly, it upsets me that referring to a dad as a babysitter always comes with glowing praise and positivity. It’s almost hero status.
“You’ve got her on your own? Wow. You’re such a good dad.” Why? Because I’m playing with my child on a swing? Because I change them and feed them, even in the *gasp* early hours of the morning? Because I take them out to the shop with me? Because I stay at home so that my wife can go out with her friends? Kak. Those things just make me a dad. Don’t praise me for doing the most basic parts of childcare.
"It’s almost like society thinks so little of them that the most simplistic of parenting task merits a pat on the back" - metro.co.uk
Also - and think about this - we don’t praise moms for doing the exact.same.things. Moms are just expected to do all the feeds, all the changes, all the chores. When was the last time you said “you’re such a good mom” to a woman who was simply sitting at a table feeding their child a chip, or when they woke up in the night to tend to a crying infant, or because they stayed home when dad went out? Probably never. And that’s the problem.
While “babysitting” isn’t to blame, I think the over-use of the word is creating an environment that allows this inherently sexist [to both men and women, but especially to women] situation to flourish. Society is conditioned to allow dads to get away with doing basic parenting under the guise of merely being babysitters to their offspring.
It needs to stop.
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